A Giant Headache

Ed Note: I don’t have the time (and perhaps not even the physical ability) to grow a Brian Wilson beard, as per my NLCS bet with Matt Harvey (plus, like you’re really gonna even remember this bet in the five weeks it would take to grow it), so just enjoy my concession speech.

“In your face, Mudrian!” read the textual transmission from Matthew Harvey just moments after some ex-Florida Marlins fourth outfielder (Josh Willingham? Jeremy Hermida? It’s all a bit fuzzy) homered in the top of the third inning of game one of the 2010 NLCS. After spending what seemed like hours explaining to Harv that there were, in fact, nine innings in a baseball game, that the Giants would need to defeat the Phillies four times to advance to—as he called it—“Baseball’s Super Bowl,” and that he didn’t need to take off both shoes in order to keep track of all those scary numbers, it was clear that my beloved Fightins were in deep shit.

In a series (expectedly) dominated by pitching, the Giants got key hits—as the Phils left what felt like a fucking army of runners stranded in scoring position—en route to a 4-2 series victory. I assumed the Phillies sputtering offense wouldn’t rake against the Giants big three of Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and Jonathan “Dirty” Sanchez, but what I never imagined were castoffs like Pat Burrell, Freddy Sanchez, Juan Uribe and whoever that Marlins fourth outfielder was getting the best of H20. Hats off to them. They played superior defense, created timely offense and pitched better over all. Plus, they helped forge the match-up of what will surely be the lowest-rated World Series in televised history—way to stick it to Rupert!

In any other year, I’d actually be rooting for the Giants to crush the AL, but this season my allegiances firmly reside with the Texas Rangers, the home team of dB customer service guru Mark Evans and the squad led by 2009 Phillies postseason hero Cliff Lee.

Besides, the thought of Jeff Francoeur actually brandishing a World Series ring the next time he sees his old Mets buddies is pretty fucking funny. Texas in five.