They Missed the Train to Mars… and Hell

Over 1.5 million homeless children in the U.S.A. What are we doing??? This is what the Los Angeles rap-rock band Imperial Stars asks on their website directly below the image of a sports car flying through space.

These complete and utter sacks of shit caused a traffic jam in L.A. yesterday by blocking three lanes on the highway to promote their song, ahem, “Traffic Jam.” Of course, “play” isn’t exactly right since the fat one only sings, the Yankovic one only raps and the guitar player is more of a guy who just wears sunglasses. So, we can assume these 40-year-old cocksuckers simply stood on top of their van, pressed play on their Zune and jumped around with self-satisfied boners.

Imperial Stars embody every stereotype of L.A.–some washed-up cunts who blow a bunch of money to shart out a CGI nightmare video and buy a van painted like a giant Ed Hardy shirt for some vague sense of notoriety. But they’ve added a nice angle by being complete charlatans. They claim to be doing this all for homeless children and ask you to help them by donating to their PayPal account “Imperial Stars Homeless Children.” It’s like they learned their con man tricks from a wealthy prince in Nigeria.

Of course these kinds of people, these soulless and pathetically desperate rock-rapping caricatures, are impervious to bad press. They don’t care that everyone hates their music and wants to beat them to death. They’re checking their Twitter and YouTube comments every few seconds today, filled with an almost indescribable euphoria. In a sense, they won. But as the trope goes, their 15 minutes are already almost through thanks to one of the most lazy, generically offensive songs you’ll hear all year (sample lyric: “So many people in the world with scars, so tell me I’m out of my mind on Mars”) and a video that constantly shows music notes flying through the air. They’ve had a taste of minor celebrity and will soon be desperate for more. Let’s hope the next publicity stunt involves getting ebola.