I Want To Close My Eyes… Forever

In our continuing look at hall of fame music videos, today we have In This Moment with their song “Fetish Cam Whore and Gay Wolverine Kiss.” Also called “The Promise,” the video is the perfect example of, to quote Youtube user sevenfoldrules, “an awesome duet between scream users.” Indeed.

Taking place in a poorly lit, high-grassed area (with romantic fake moon), singer Maria Brink teams up with some guy who couldn’t love his sideburns more to rub their bodies on each other while the rest of the band rocks out, including a guy who, as is evidenced by the shot at 1:07, is able to play guitar by constantly spinning it around his body.

Now I’m sorry to disappoint, since this lady plays a solo with her cleavage in pretty much every public appearance, but this is a tender song so she has to wear one of her more conservative fairy tale dresses during the hoodied creep grope extravaganza. These physical interactions are tempered with gauzy scenes of Brink leading around and petting a horse which either represents a love so wild it that cannot be tamed no matter how great the desire or straight up horse fucking.

At first I thought to be a member of In This Moment you’d have to feel like a real asshole being in a band that is popular only because your singer looks like she lives in a Comics Convention. But honestly, I’m sure you’re stuck in a whirlwind of booze, drugs, underage sex and autotune until one day you’re 35, telling your brother in-law about the time you met Rob Zombie while you help him with his drywall business, and e-mailing with the ex-keyboardist of Dr. Acula, hoping to get something serious started again. So stay on this train as long as you can, brother.

Oh, and the music. Well, it’s just the usual worst shit you’ve ever heard, warmed over rock with background screams and a humiliating chorus, the kind of European power metal stuff people were making fun of for years until they realized any form of music can be sold to teenagers because teenagers never stop being fucking stupid. And speaking of, Maria Brink is the epitome of that girl from your high school who said, “I’m going to be famous no matter what it takes. No matter what” and then looked at everyone in a half-deranged way that made you feel grateful for thirty seconds that she’d never date you. Well, she got tatttoos, bought an insane wardrobe and now she’s on top, cockteasing the world for the next few years until another blond Evanescence shows up who will perform topless. Girl power.