Decibel Magazine Presents: The Biggest Pussies in Metal

By: shane.mehling Posted in: featured, stupid crap, things andrew hates, uncategorized On: Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

caroline

We’re all getting old. The bands we grew up idolizing are slowing down, retired or making geriatric mockeries of themselves. And sometimes we unfairly and harshly lash out at the newest crop of musicians for not being as heavy or “tough” as we were. I was one of those young, doe-eyed metal kids once, who feared a hulking longhair would take me down in the pit with his tattooed elbow. But I was accepted and never openly judged, and many times I’ve tried to offer the same tolerance to the younger generation.

This is not one of those times.

I guess you could consider me a “hater,” because that word is used (still) to describe whomever thinks this current gaggle of tear-stained metalcore phonies need to crawl back up the dainty, opportunistic asshole they slamdanced out of.

Now this is far from a comprehensive expose because YouTube is fucking filled with this shit. Head down the rabbit hole and you’ll barely escape alive without blond highlights. But I tried to be slightly discerning. Many of these bands are simply new Ratts or Poisons (or more like Faster Pussycats), dumbfucks who realized this kind of music was the easiest way to a music video and 19 different shirt designs.

For example, a band like Oceans Ate Alaska are some real whiny turds, but they’re just your normal dress-wearing boy band screamo. They are essentially our control — any band listed below, you can guarantee are really pushing the pansy factor to degrees you may have to see and hear to believe. So, here they are in no particular order:

CLAPS FOR CAROLINE

Two things have never been metal: Limos and retirement homes. These guys disagree. They scream and Auto-Tune themselves next to a pool while a glistening sparkle, almost like Tinkerbell, floats around them, blessing the band with pixie dust that, when the dance beats kick in, we realize is just blow. Listen, I’m glad you got a bunch of slutty chicks to swig marshmallow vodka with you, but here’s the problem: Jocks can sniff that shit out, you still weigh 60 pounds, and when they show up, those Tigerbeat vokills aren’t gonna save that pretty face of yours.

FEAR FROM THE HATE

“Party” screamo kids are worse than the fully sensitive ones because they combine everything you hate about sissies with everything you hate about spring break. These guys go completely bananas with it by renting out a dance hall filled with fancy shots, balloons, glowsticks, streamers… this is a metal video we’re talking about, remember. I mean, as much as these bedazzled, vest-wearing nancies might like to dance under the disco ball of life, they still make sure there are plenty of breakdowns to express aggression over their cellphone having shitty service. (Note: These guys are Japanese and so much stuff over there is weird and uncomfortable, but this is clearly a reflection of America’s shameful taste for garbage.)

NEVER MEANS MAYBE

My favorite thing is how these songs have evolved into their inverse. While before it would be a full-on metal song until the tear-soaked bridge, now bands just gush and wallow about their heartbreak until a quarter of the way through, when their Metal Zone pedals get some time on the field. Seriously, this band starts full-on Hoobastank, but if you stick with it long enough, they finally do the absolute minimum that’s required to still somehow wedge themselves into this sham scene before it’s straight back to the Massengill commercial.

CAPTURE THE CROWN

These crabcore dummies get a mention because they refer to an ex-girlfriend as a “bitch,” “slut” and a “filthy fucking cunt” along with some other demeaning shit while they get water poured all over them and run in place to house music. These chumps wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight.

(Also, I’ve touched on this before, but every person from YouTube or any commenting section: When you start defending this tripe because “people like all kinds of things and it’s just music,” the music doesn’t actually get better– you just come off as a little kid with pitiful insecurities about your own judgment.)

EYES SET TO KILL

This is the band that actually inspired my editors to suggest writing this article. This is the only entry with female members (two, in fact), but the singer… Okay, It’s one thing to croon like a beautiful flower on a summer’s day with a shallow popcore band, but this guy just does occasional screams and is such a lightweight he can’t even play an instrument. That means that while the ladies are faux-shredding or taking center stage to sing, he just has to stand there with his youth medium skull shirt and hope no one notices that he’s essentially just cute boy eye candy. I would almost feel bad for him if he clearly wasn’t willing to sell his cock and balls to the devil for a couple years of hollow fame.

I’m not actually trying to indict the entire genre or this generation. In fact, I’m asking for solidarity — can’t all of us come together and hate these preening, talent-bereft attention whores? Can’t we push for some sense of credibility and true aggression from music if it chooses to drape itself in this banner? Because no matter how progressive, book-learning or indie-rock-dressing some of us may be, we’re polishing our elbows in case any of these pussies happen to waltz by the pit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bestowedupon Ferrister Bueller

    All metal is pussy now. It’s sad that it will never be like it was in the 80′s and early 90′s.

    By the way, these bands aren’t metal, they’re mallcore faggots.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mr.toposheet Topo Sheet

      hahahahha….fuck most retarded thing i have read all day. 80′s and 90′s had their share of shitstained crap sandwich. ask your dad about it.

      • ManBear

        Yeah, these guys are just the modern version of hair metal bands…

    • Maz

      Fly your trollcopter back to the deserts of Blabbermouth where people might actually fall for your tricks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/dragracedropdoll James Sterling

      You’re pretty ignorant. Have you heard of bands such as The Faceless, Son of Aurelius or Protest the Hero? Try telling me any of those bands are pussy, talentless or “mallcore”

      • Pcptorpedo

        Ok, The Faceless, Son of Aurelius and Protest the Hero are pussies and play talentless mallcore.

        • Pcptorpedo

          You can’t blame a guy for tying…

      • http://www.facebook.com/nikki.bee.180 Nikki Bee

         Nope. The Faceless, Son of Aurelius and Protest the Hero just plain suck. But you are right. There is good modern metal out there. It’s just not those bands.

    • Bill Nye the Nazi Spy

      You have to look around Europe to find competent bands.

      Or start listening to (real) Death Metal. 

      Or just stop listening to bands that are played on the radio. One of those three. 

      • BrokenGlow

        Check out Cousin Sleaze, Black Anvil, Eyes Of The Sun and Ashes Within from NYC, real metal is coming back!

        • Pog Denis

          Black Anvil are fucking amazing. As are Conan, Anaal Nathrakh, Cancerslug, and Corrupt Moral Altar.

    • Guest

      You’re aware of Poison, Warrant, etc, right?

    • http://www.facebook.com/jerry.beach.7 Jerry Beach

      where the hell have you been retard theres some excelent bands out there crawl out of your daddys ass and start looking for good band and stop listening to poison fag

  • http://www.facebook.com/ian.israel Ian Israel

     We have a new sub-genre,people..It’s called PussyBoyCore and it’s infecting everyone without a brain.

  • sjhelmet

    Please, please, please . . . link to Dekapitator’s “Attack with Mayhem” here, and everywhere you see this tripe.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ian.israel Ian Israel

     We still have Black Metal bands like Watain,Darkthrone and Horna,Ferrister.

    • Jesusisacannibal

      Which are over-hyped and shit compared to the Polish black metal scene, or other eastern European countries like Ukraine. Get real. People are griping about the commercialism involved with these bands… You just rattled off 4 bands that are the black metal equivalent. By the way, “Black Metal” is NOT a proper noun, it is a genre of music. It should not be capitalized, but maybe you were too busy worshiping Satan while listening to Mayhem, or Satyricon or some such nonsense. Idiot.

  • Andrew

    not like anyone on earth needs to watch more of this, but eyes set to kill bruh really gets his chance to shine–LITERALLY–in the “reach” video

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1487275284 Debra Jean-Michel Thomas

    speechless! Its just horrible!!

  • HATE

    SOLIDARITY!

  • JP Patterson

    These new/newish emocore bands have essentially replaced the boy bands of our past, ala Nsync and the like.  THey’re not metal.  They’ll never be metal.

    • Maz

      I have to concur. Breakdowns and distortion aren’t the only pre reqs. Soory but dis aint metuhl (srs). This is what my 13 yr girl cousin listens to to frighten her mother. In turn, I hide my Darkthrone, my Sadistic Intent, my Sinister, and the like, under the seat when she’s in the car for fear of corrupting the child further at the cost of my aunt’s health.

    • Xgreenisemox

       this is an interesting phenom were are facing. it is indeed no different than any other era of industry refuse. conversely, cell phones are not metal (to me) and i see tons of long hair pale dudes with blackmetal patches with iphones everywhere

    • http://www.facebook.com/kleinfrankenheim.trill Carlinhos Sykes

      This is modern post-hardcore not emocore, new emo is like Comadre, Loma Prieta and Beau Navire, they don’t sound anything at all like the bands in this post

      • Carlinhos_sucks

        You’re an idiot. This is not post-hardcore, this is emocore and it’s pure shit. Bunch of pretty boys dancing to trance and pretending they can scream and people would actually pit to their music… Post-hardcore are bands like The Word Alive,  For All Those Sleeping and Scarlett O’Hara. If you’re going to talk about music, get it fucking right.

        • HammerSmashedFace

          Either way they suck dick. Simple as that

      • Satangrad

        They’re too pussy to be Metal, and too lame to be Hardcore.

  • http://www.facebook.com/LDB81 Chris Friesen

    trendy trend followers…..try this shit out….
    http://www.youtube.com/user/ADRENECHROME420?feature=guide

  • http://automattack.net/ mattack

    Here’s the problem… it’s the modern equivalent of riff salad – these bands take the (arguably) best parts from a few different genres of music and throw it all together. Good + good = good, right?

    Wrong.

    Breakdowns are awesome in hardcore because they build and release tension. When your song fucking *starts* with a breakdown there’s no tension to release.

    • bigballs666

      Agreed!

  • jrzy

    Love the reference to some longhair taking you down in the pit. I remember those days too. And yes we were all accepted into something greater. But that acceptance came with some expectations too. There was a bit of a becoming involved with it.

    This is ass.

  • Gray

    The bullshit will be forgotten and the really good guys will settle on the top like always. There are some REALLY great bands out there right now that it would be easy to miss if you write off the entire metal scene. Evile, Revocation, and Wintersun are pretty obvious stand-outs, and are radically different from each other. 

    • Demonjrx

       Holy Grail, Municipal Waste, White Wizzard, Young Hunter, Christian Mistress, and Orchid. :) I added a few more to your list for you.

      • sscrust

        M WASTE.. Really.. You sir.. ARE a dumb cunt! M WASTE IS THRASH!!!

  • djental-man

    What a stupid pile of bullshit this feature is. For one they’re all teenagers finding there way in life doing what they enjoy, just because they made a home made music video that they recorded in their garages doesn’t mean they are trying to conquer the world with their music. Besides it keeps them off the fucking streets. Secondly I do agree with how the music scene has become repetitive recently but what can teenagers do with limited technical ability…not much. And thirdly I took the time to listen to all the the bands below before writing this and can I just say one band in particular such as Oceans Ate Alaska has possibly one of the best drummers to come out of there generation and possibly many before them. Don’t shit on kids with pure talent as they are developing and maturing just because there mixing with others that may have lesser talent, eventually they will find there way.

    • Horsecore

      Dude, if you care so much about these little losers, go be their fucking guidance counselor.

    • http://twitter.com/andrewpacker77 andrew packer

       dumb. this is bad music. it’s an abomination. i’m sure they’re are plenty of teens playing good rock or death metal that are scoffed by all the Justins and Brittneys wearing scene hair cuts and tight pants.

    • Kindergentlertroll

      I think this dude is a member of one of these bands. 

    • darren

      Disagree.

  • http://twitter.com/voyicks Paul Sokol

    I dislike a lot of the ‘metal’ out there these days, but let the high schoolers have their fun. If they actually go to a real metal show, say Cannibal Corpse or Destruction, they will just get stomped and maybe realize they should come up with a new way to describe their music.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kleinfrankenheim.trill Carlinhos Sykes

      they describe it as post-hardcore or metalcore, they are closer to hardcorepunk, it’s not even their pretense to be in the metal scene

      • http://twitter.com/voyicks Paul Sokol

        I try to avoid anything with ‘core’ in it. But you’re right, they aren’t trying to be in the metal scene I guess.

  • http://www.facebook.com/madsorama Mads Bassline Andersen

    I really cant hear a difference between this and periphery, u mad metalfags?

  • Jonfromwisconsin

    These bands have nothing to do with “Emocore” or “Screamo.” Those are very real genres that truly deserve respect for continuing in the fine tradition of D.I.Y. Punk and Hardcore.

    • PunkRockBob

      The fuck you say!?!  Comparing this shit to DIY punk and hardcore, is just plain ignorance, and stupidity. 

  • Frank Palmeri

    You guys are right these bands are totally gay, I mean just look at how they devastated all your butts.

  • Tunzenabi

    All metal is NOT pussy now!!!!!! GRAND FUCKING MAGUS!!!!
     

  • Zakwingert

    great article!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jason M.

    How does I metal?

  • Poo Reed

    All these diet sodas and cell phones have a ‘swishi-fying’ effect on kids these days. I dunno, it has something to do with testosterone production or something. And, every few years, teenage girls go through phases where they want to have sex with boys that look just like them. Like when David Bowie and Robert Plant were mega-stars.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/kleinfrankenheim.trill Carlinhos Sykes

    Why do you people care about this, they are not metal this are either metalcore or posthardcore and both are closer to Punk/hardcore than to metal.

  • Ademt

    Why for god’s sake did you have to show me that there is such an abundance of this stuff?! Who’s footing the bill for this horseshit? Better yet who’s consuming it? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

  • KevinDougherty

    Homophobia is also “for pussies.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Martin/694060134 Jennifer Martin

       YEAH BECAUSE ITS NOT COOL I HAVE GAY FRIENDS BEING AGAINST SODOMY IS SOOOO 1880S AND LAME (THOUGHT MAYBE KINDA HIPSTER IN A COOL WAY LOL??!)

  • the waaaaahmbulance

    after yesterday’s post, I was totally expecting this to be a Vilipend followup story.

  • Dead_C

    Is that lead singer from Never Means Maybe, intentionally dressed like Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club?

  • http://twitter.com/Triphibian Gus Mastrapa

    Where’s Kabbage Boy?

  • Michelle

    Let’s cut the misogynistic slurs out, shall we? 

    • Jeffery Louis Guidry

      Let’s cut out the nattering political correctness, shall we?

  • Seth_zacher

    I wouldn’t really say pussies (even tho you’re probably correct), i would rather hit em where it hurts. Those bands’s music is generic, unoriginal, and flat out not catchy at all. It’s the same overdone, run of the mill metalcore/wannabe hardcore. Completely lacks personality and any characteristics to make these bands sound like “their own”. It all needs to end soon

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Martin/694060134 Jennifer Martin

    ALL THESE BANDS ARE PART OF THE “FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS” INTERNET HUMOR MEME LOL

  • Lori Adame

    When they can play like Cliff Burton then they will loose the title. Sissy scream to cover the lack of skill. None of these “bands” were invited or attended Orion Music and More and 30,000 of us in attendance are thankful. U tube Orion for true organic Metal with the most amazing metal family. Ill see you all there next year.

    • http://www.facebook.com/kleinfrankenheim.trill Carlinhos Sykes

      THis bands are not even metal, it’s post-hardcore for the most part except capture the crown and they are metalcore, not metal, metalcore and posthardcore are a lot more closer to hardcore/punk than to metal, i don’t even know why are they called being ‘metal’ when its not even their intention to be ‘metal’

  • feralboy

    I had a good, long, nearly hysterical giggle fit while watching/listening to this completely ridiculous stuff.  I suppose it kind of shows my age that I have never even really heard music like this before and was only vaguely aware of its existence.  I almost feel bad making fun of this stuff…it’s too easy…shooting fish in a barrel.  It is so utterly lame that it is really entertaining for about 30 seconds….then the music just makes me want to beat myself unconscious.           

  • Ben Pitts

    Thank you for this article. It captures what Ive been feeling for years. I work in a music venue and bands like like this plague what was once a metal scene. Somehow, though, they get kids to the show which would have never happened in my generation. Im still not ready to accept this as a legitamate form of music. Hopefully the trend will pass soon!!

  • Johndoe119

    Shit, I wish I was young and skinny enough to start a band like this. If all I have to do to sell some records is chug an open chord for every song, then sign me up. 

  • Chris40081

    I can see bands like Bring Me the Horizon and Asking Alexandria and why there big but these guys fuckin ruin everything. The fact that they probably started a band to girls and not give a shit about the music which is why they made the easiest kind of music to make. A few chords along the chorus and the est are chugs or some techno shit that the producer created.

  • chris40081

    I can see why Bring Me the Horizon and Asking Alexandria are as big as they ar but these guys ruin everything for a few reasons:
    1.They probably started a band to get girls(any girl that goes into bed with them is a slut because it’s beyond me if they get any girls in the first place)
    2.They probably weren’t inspired by real metal bands like today GOOD bands or even classic rock bands. If someone told them Jim Lord died (RIP), they probably wouldn’t of ever heard of him or Deep Purple anyways. They will know what a keyboard is because that’s basically 3/4 of the song. Ask what make them want to start a band and they’ll say Attack Attack.
    3.They obviously don’t care for the music so they play this because it’s the easiest music to make. All you need is a few chords for these clean parts and chugs for breakdowns.
    On a side note,where’s Eskimo Callboy?They were the new worst band.

  • Death

    these kids deserve death by circle pit. pure fuckin thrashing death.
    Brothers tolerate this no longer.

  • Will

    if the point of this article was to sound like a 40 yr old dude who lives in his mom’s basement alternating between writing off bands on blabbermouth and jerking off, then congrats because that’s what it accomplished.

    Chill out. No one is asking anyone to like any of this music. If you don’t like it, that’s perfectly fine, but going out of your way to talk shit makes YOU sound like the little kid with insecurities who has to prove the whole internet that his taste in music is superior.

    Second, there’s a shitton of good metal out there. This kind of music is obviously not what you think it is.

  • HEAVINESSOFTHELOADBAND

    maybe i come from a more “punk” background as opposed to the 80s’-90s’ metal that keeps being referred to. but as well written and comical as the little blurbs attached to these videos may be, i can’t stand that decibel magazine would spend anytime on this garbage. we as a heavy music community need to ignore this shit at all costs. its not worth the time making fun of it. hopefully it will be gone when these dudes grow facial hair. (i can’t grow a beard, just sayin’) any publicity, good or bad, that these bands get, is good in their eyes. it makes them relevant. this is not relevant. this is the result of lots of studio time and a check from mommys pocket book. fuck, this makes me angry. turn the blind eye and maybe a small number of these bands will wise up and write some music they could perform in a basement with nothing but their amps and a PA. the rest will be in college soon enough and on to the next. DEATH TO FALSE METAL.

  • Anthonytimothyhamlet

    yah seriously stop calling these guys gay and fags because its probably insulting to gay people to be associated with such horrible bands.

    • Jesusisacannibal

      Boo fucking hoo with your political correctness. Maybe you should watch the videos again since you’re crying like a little bitch

  • Tastybob16

    All I have to say is, if you actually made an attempt to listen to Eyes Set To Kill’s later albums, they are fucking talented musicians and should not be anywhere near this list. Quit being a fucking bitch, listen to your own music and quit sucking everyone else’s dick thinking you KNOW metal.

  • SIN

    A-motherfucking-men.

  • Bj Rowe44

    I like to call these bands, and their fan base “white belt wearing floor punching homo thugs”.

  • Daisy

    I agree, all of this is terrible.. But you’re concentrating far too much on this and forgetting about all the really fucking awesome metal bands that are still out there! Leave them to their skinny jeans and come listen to good stuff, I promise it’ll help the rage a little :3 

  • MrBlonde

    RATT AND ROLL? 

  • Matt

    Dudes I’m 18, I’ve been listening to metal since I was 5, I mean actual metal, nothing even close to any of that shit above.  This is not the entirety of my generation, there are some of us out there that are still actual metalheads. I really hope this shit dies out quick because I can’t take another kid saying “I’m into metal” to mean these fags, as opposed to what is really metal, like Death, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Opeth, Marduk etc.

    • Matt is a Giant Nutsac

      Did you get Death’s album for your first birthday? No, because you haven’t been listening to metal since you were 5. There’s a long life after 18 and more important things to hate. I suggest growing a dick and just ignoring it if you don’t like it.

  • Satangrad

    We need real Metal, and not this poser-pussy-lame-ass-bullcrap!

  • No

    is it really so difficult to make fun of these dudes without being so blatantly fucking homophobic. christ, learn some new insults. 

  • Jeff

    Decibel Magazine has been really churning out the corporate heavy metal bullshit for years now, featuring such splendid musicians as Lacuna Coil and “THE HOTTEST CHICKS OF METAL” on covers, so do you really think, as a publication, you’re any better these bands above? The one major, gaping flaw with this entire article is that NONE of these bands are even heavy metal. These aren’t “metal” kids, these aren’t “metal” videos, and none of the music can be even considered remotely “metal.” Sure the music sucks, the bands are flamboyant, and the video settings would be better set to club settings, but you know why I don’t have a problem with it? Because it’s not heavy metal and I choose to ignore it. If they consider themselves “heavy metal,” that’s fine – but does it really affect you and I? Absolutely not. Is a music genre that sacred to you that you feel you must protect it? If so, grow the fuck up. Call me old-fashioned, but if you don’t like it – ignore it and don’t listen to it. I’m only 27 and have seen quite a few genres come and go in popularity over the last 15 years – and guess what, there’s going to be many more over the next few decades that do the same. It’s just a phase for the current generation of teenagers – it’s absolutely not going to overtake “your” sacred scene. We’re going going to see Claps for Caroline opening for Iron Maiden anytime soon, and if they do, you know where I’ll be – the beer tent. If you don’t like something then don’t devote your time, energy, or ears to it – instead, devote it on what you like and don’t be a judgmental dildo. It’s writers like you that have made me avoid reading any type of heavy metal publications and ultimately avoid the sheepish scene as a whole these past few years. This whole “my cock is bigger than yours” argument over music taste is no better than what you’re preaching against. I’d much rather listen to my Possessed albums in the comfort of my home than surround myself with a bunch of self-absorbed jerkoffs like yourself at concerts who would rather dictate who and what’s “in” or “out” like this is a fucking high school locker room. A truly pointless article and a stain on whatever journalistic integrity you might have felt you possessed – great job.  

    • Shane

      Revolver does Hottest Chicks in Metal, and we heavily criticized them for it on this very blog, you uninformed blowhard. 

      • Shane is a Giant Nutsac

        Oh, and you’re better? So, “The Biggest Pussies of Heavy Metal” or “The Queens of Noise – Women of Metal” are both quality journalism pieces while Revolver is mere tasteless trash? Gimme a break – Revolver and Decibel are essentially the same corporate shit churning machine so please don’t try to separate yourself with a holier than thou attitude. Anyways, we all know that you were once one of these “pussies of heavy metal” probably listening to Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, and ironically Cradle of Filth in 2005 but now feel the need to bash on this generations trends. Is that your rite of passage? Shouldn’t you be focusing your efforts on conducting an interview with Dimmu Borgir for the fiftieth time? Or rather, how about finding a well known (but of course obscure to Decibel magazine) Norwegian black metal musician to do an expose on to give your magazine a little more extreme flavor like you’ve done numerous times before! Yeah, that’ll work!

  • Tara

    I don’t always consider bands my generation’s Tyketto, but when I do, all of these.

  • darren

    Just want to say- I’m a Bisexual 21 year old, from CA. The homophobia here is kind of disgusting. A sampling of my favorite bands-
    -SPAWN OF POSSESSION
    -NECROPHAGIST
    -WINTERSUN
    -ABOMINABLE PUTRIDITY
    -ADDAURA
    -ALRAKIS
    -ANIMOSITY (RIP)
    -ENFOLD DARKNESS
    -INHERIT DISEASE
    -HOUR OF PENANCE
    -Wolves in the Throne Room
    -KRALLICE
    -ORIGIN
    -MOURNING DAWN
    -THULCANDRA
    -KAMELOT…..Okay, Kamelot’s a little gay :P

    That said. Cock-loving men out there still have metal-souls. Being a fan of cocks does not inhibit one’s ability to appreciate good metal.

    Anyone who disagrees is welcome to meet me in real life. I’m 6’3, 315 LBs, and I lift weights…Bring it pussies.

    Sincerely,

    A real Metal fan.

  • http://twitter.com/Reality_Rules The Pastanist

    Agreed. I wasn’t aware of any of these bands. Too busy listening to Cannibal Corpse, Slayer, Primus, John Coltrane, and classical music (among a lot of other things.) I sure as fuck hope none of these little twerps dares to call themselves metal. That would be a knee-slapper.

  • Dragon

    Damn right this ain’t metal! This is puff pop-core, the stuff I detestingly refer to as
    ” white belt, girl jean-wearing, floor punching homothuggery “..the very stuff Pit Ninja jokes live (and should die ) for.

  • Ryan Fury

    I hope you recover from this terrible asspain that has afflicted you, Shane. Please be safe.

  • octopus hunter

    EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/dontbeeadick Dick Beeman

    Sometimes, in cases like these, we definitely need more public shaming. Well done. Well written. m/

  • intelekshual

    It’s weird to me that you (rightly) call out one of these bands for misogynistic nonsense, but use “pussies” and references to Massengill commercials at will.I’m not down with using terms like that to indicate that something sucks. It’s like using gay as a pejorative. It’s gross, it’s (at best) mindless “benign” sexism, and it’s beneath you, Shane.

    • Jesusisacannibal

      Wow, what a pussy-footed comment. Please don’t hurt his poor feelings, because he might just have to go listen to some Lifelover and start cutting himself. Get real, this entire article is bullshit because it is supposed to be about “metal” bands, which NONE OF THESE BANDS ARE! This entire argument is moot, and renders the entire article to oven fodder.

  • gwiuchos

    i blame enter shikari

  • Maith no Fore

    so many uninformed, insecure dumb shits on this thread

    • SixDays

      Like yourself?

  • Alex

    What annoys me the most is how THEIR OWN FUCKING FANS CAN’T SEE THROUGH THIS SHIT. They can’t see through the often BLATANT plagiarism that so rampant amongst these bands. And it’s not as if the material in question is all that good – it’s all the same stale riffs and breakdowns, sometimes copied and pasted _note for fucking note_ between songs and bands.

    Also, THEY ALL SOUND LIKE THEY’RE USING THE SAME DRUM SET, GUITARS AND VOCALISTS. The drum set is the biggest complaint there because it’s actually the part that tends to sound most alike between each of these bands, even if they don’t have screamers 90% of the time.

  • no to emo

    not a fan of any of these bands, or bands like them. it’s all angry with no purpose. entitled emo kids trying to be heavy and hard :/

  • Connor Corcoran

    First of all who cares about these guys. You think your metal? So listen to your metal, live your metal, and do your own thing. No need to oppress these guys in their movement, even though they are not very talented. Not hard, but the thing that really sucks and should be lamented isn’t these lame bands, but the sad reality of how bands that were metal have transitioned closer to pop and catchy ideals (Many of my favorites but are not limited to: Sybreed, Soilwork, Mercenary, and even In Flames at times though still somewhat “metallic”) Some bands are coming close to this awful stuff, which is what I’d call scene music for the lost non conformist souls. Lets hope Djent inspires more and brings back the heavy

    • SixDays

      “Lets hope Djent inspires more and brings back the heavy”
      Well then it’s safe to say you’re shit outta luck son…

  • http://jessicatron.tumblr.com/ Jessicatron

    I somewhat question the motives behind such an article, coming from Decibel. These bands are in no way innovative or even worth a listen. Whilst I appreciate their dedication, because I assume that attempting to ‘make it’ in an industry that is holding on for dear life cannot be easy, the only thing I can say is: try harder or look elsewhere. There is nothing authentic or organic about this kind of music in this article. There is no soul. It’s fashion, a trend and it’s completely uninspiring. It goes against everything that metal stands for. I cannot stand for performers who dress and write music in such a fashion that they believe is the epitome of metal – it’s coming close to being a poseur. I am afraid for the future of metal if this is what decibel believes it is. Most of us here know that it’s not the truth. If we look outside the United States, there is amazing metal being made throughout Europe and the rest of the world.

  • Neal

    Pussies? Definitely. Metal? Not even remotely.

  • Abbey_of_Thelema

    Limp Bizkit?