For Those About to Squawk: Waldo’s Valentine Pecks of the Week

By: andrew Posted in: a fucking parrot previewing new releases, featured On: Friday, February 14th, 2014

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What’s up, you loveless fucks? As the year rolls along, so do the new releases — finally, it seems. Here’s my anti-Valentine’s Day rant.

Gridlink release Longhena, and this thing is a pecking barn-burner.  Their longest effort to date, this record moves, kicks, and boy does it grind. There is a lot of non-traditional grind on here, hailing back to Jon Chang’s previous band, Discordance Axis, without sounding like DA at all. There are blast beats and screams (of course), and is that a violin I hear? This slab is downright beautiful and heartbreaking at times, without sacrificing any ferocity or coming across as some wimpy loner sitting in his bedroom making metal that’s not metal. I might add that this will be their last release, and they go out with a bang, seemingly gasping for air at the end. This thing rips, and is my candidate for best record of the year so far. It’s pretty early for that, but this thing is great. Do yourself a favor and check it out. 9 Fucking Pecks.

Ah, Cynic. People will stand by you, people will debate you. This parrot, however, will not perch by you. C’mon, guys, give me a break. Really. We KNOW you can play, we KNOW you love the vocoder, we KNOW you’re all pretty much over metal, but when your core audience is mostly into extreme music, shouldn’t you try to incorporate SOME of that? Or at least change your band name? This should come as no surprise to fans of this band, and they haven’t deviated from their overall recent sound. Maybe this is a progressive masterpiece that this birdbrain doesn‘t just understand, and I do have to admit the drumming is impeccable here, but this record has the teeth of an infant, and is about as warm as Philip Seymour Hoffman’s corpse.  I’m not being a super hating parrot here, but this is just not for me. This sounds at times like Sunny Day Real Estate, and well, that’s just not perch-worthy. Many will defend the peck out of this, and I’m not saying it’s totally worthless, but this is not metal or extreme in the least. So, you know, dust off your old Get Up Kids records or go buy this. Whatever, I’ll still make fun of you… 3 Fucking Pecks.

OK, I’m reviewing this based off the name of the band alone (see, IT DOES MATTER). Spewilator are releasing Goathrower on Boris. I’m not really sure what to make of this. There’s a lot of galloping riffs a la trad metal, some black metal-ish type beats, some throaty vocals, and some guttural vocals. There’s odd harmonic riffs, which is a real beak-scratcher for a band described as “deathgrind.” This seems like a bunch of guys (three, to be exact) that kinda throw in all of their influences and try to rock. They pull it off, but I guarantee that this is a better band to listen to in a warehouse with a warm canned beer in your hand. I’m torn on this. Ah, peck it, it’s cool. I mean they do have a song called “Let’s Get Drugs,” which is cool. So, fire up the bong, pull a cold one out of the fridge and rock out to this. Definitely more fun after a second listen. 6 Fucking Pecks.

Flotsam and Jetsam release No Place for Disgrace 2014. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t be what I think this is going to be. Ahhh fuck, it is. Fuck this right in its fucking ass. Go get the original NPFD. This isn’t just remastered; it’s re recorded. NO THANKS. 1 Fucking Peck

  • Metal Massacre Shark

    “Flotsam and Jetsam – No Place for Disgrace” It sucked the FIRST time!