Every other Friday, Waldo the African Grey Parrot, frontbird of thrash-grind immortals Hatebeak, will get you caught up on the week’s latest “extreme” releases.

Hey. As the year winds up, so do the releases; not many labels are pushing too much now. And as the releases wear thin, so do my ironic puns, and all the drier are my insults.

From the frosty wintered norths of Austrailia come PESTILENTIAL SHADOWS, obviously a black metal band given the name. Featuring ex-members of Naxzul, Depths is not a bad record; it’s just pretty standard black metal fare. Any fan of the genre would like this, but there’s not a whole lot to sink your beak into. Just your standard wailing over trem-picked guitars with some dissonance thrown in to boot. Not much here deviates from what you’d expect; it’s a little more polished than previous efforts from these guys… not as guttural or raw, but still there. This is boringly generic and leaves as many surprises to the listener as a priest in an elementary school. If you like black metal, go check this out; if not, this is also a passable introduction, albeit an entirely bland one. 6 FUCKING PECKS.

KORN are back at it with SKRILLEX (whoever the fuck that is), with a scattered-sounding release. Fuck this. 1 FUCKING PECK.

WE ALL HAVE DAY JOBS. Let’s fucking hope. Actually, who cares? Worst band name ever. 2 FUCKING PECKS.

Coming in for second worst band name this time, RABID RABBIT. Didn’t even bother listening, passed on name alone. 1 FUCKING PECK

AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE are releasing what I can only HOPE is a Christmas record. This makes Hatebeak look downright intelligent. Jingle All the Way. Just be thankful that this is a single and not a full release. Come the fuck on. I mean, really, this review period is just fucking insulting. 1 FUCKING PECK.

My old school peck is avant grinders DISCORDANCE AXIS: weird tape loop riffs with blastas and some of the best screams around. Dave Witte is the man.

File this one under, “How the shit did we not realize this sooner?!?!?” When your precious Floofy goes to clean his/her junk, Floofy is actually HAILING SATAN. Cats can’t throw the horns because they don’t have hands, but they are surely committed to darkness and have devised an evil substitute for the human race’s weak-ass two-finger salute. Oh, everybody thinks cats are self-cleaning machines, with their thorough grooming rituals. They’re partaking in a ritual, all right, a FUCKING SATANIC RITUAL. Take a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor. We are such poseurs, I can’t even deal. The Decibel offices are closing early due to shame and massive un-tr00ness. But don’t worry, humans. We will not go out like that. In fact, Albert and Andrew are having a secret meeting as I type this. They’re trying to re-create the feline five-point butt-licking dark star position to put the human race on par with the feline species when it comes to Satanic skills.

The human who discovered and documented this mindblowing phenomenon is artist Jerrod Landon Porter. On Jerrod’s Facebook page, he describes how he came to be enlightened that cat butt-licking is akin to worshipping the Dark Lord:

so, the story behind this cat pentagram is this… when i was 12 i was taking a picture of my cat. when i got the developed roll back i saw that she had started cleaning herself when i took the photo and her tail and legs made 5 points like a pentagram. i thought it was so evil and awesome! since then my beloved cat has passed and the photo lost. i know people have been asking for shirts, but i am trying to figure out a way to make them as available as possible without being a greedy bastard and making a buck off a tribute to my awesome cat.

Okay, so not only is Jerrod an observational genius (and, like, a really talented artist), he is a decent human being who doesn’t want to befoul his cat’s memory in the name of cashing in. Please ignore him. The design is in the running to be made into a T-shirt on Threadless.com. Go to the page immediately and vote for Jerrod’s awesome design so that it actually gets made so we can make it the official uniform of Decibel magazine. And as soon as Andrew and Albert can strike this pose, you best believe we’re putting that shit on a T-shirt and selling it for profit.

Aelter is a solo project of Blake Green, guitarist/vocalist for Idaho drone/doom duo Wolvserpent. When joined by partner-in-crime, drummer/violinist Brittany McConnell, Green’s work with Wolvserpent (formerly known as PussyGutt) marks its territory across the dividing range that separates riff-orientated doom rock/metal with its abstract spiritual kin, drone. Anyone who has been lucky enough to catch them live can attest to their introverted, reflective presence, one specializing in slow-cooked intensity, feedback and experimental dirge. See below for footage from last year in New York and you’ll get the better idea.

Wolvserpent live in NYC:

Having released three albums as PussyGutt, Wolvserpent released their debut Blood Seed last year through 20 Buck Spin. It was slo-mo riff meditation, skewed with an elegiac late-Fall/early-Winter rural vibe, and a sense of despondency that’s only really communicable at slower tempos.

But Aelter strips away Wolvserpent’s percussion and goes easy on the fuzz pedal, in much the same fashion as Seattle drone progenitors Earth’s latter work. The press puff says Aelter could exist on 4AD or something, and sure you can hear a little of the Cocteau Twins in the vocals and somnambulant harmonies. Courtesy of the good people of Crucial Blast we’ve got a stream of Green’s first two albums with Aelter, Dusk-Dawn and Follow you Beloved, both of which have just been reissued through the label on a double CD package.

While Follow you Beloved is still available on vinyl, Dusk-Dawn is out of print, so this CD reissue is your best chance of grabbing it. Those looking for some boutique doom for a Christmas gift, or just something to smoke a bowl to or help you come down off the blast-beats and chill, you can pick it up here.

And you can check it out right here:

While it may not be a slow day in the world of news as it pertains to extreme music – Pennsylvania “fuckrock” band Gods & Queens are still fuck rocked in Europe; Mexican gore grinders Rottenness are, last I heard, still stranded in Texas on tour after spending the money they allotted to get home on tequila, tuna and Brutal Truth merch; Hirax absolutely ruled the Goregrowlers Ball in San Antonio two weekends ago; my kid recently penned another of his scathing show reviews after interviewing Dragonforce in Toronto last month – it’s a fast day in the world of laziness and motivational dearth as it pertains to yours truly. And while it’s never a pretty sight when laziness and deadlines collide, it happens all the time in my world where laziness is a lifelong trait and I work in a field where meeting deadlines is half the battle. So, I figured I’d stay true to the sloth my father has loved to point out ever since I took my sweet old time sliding down my mother’s birth canal and this whole Thursday afternoon Deciblog thing I’ve signed up for (“Wait, you mean EVERY Thursday?!”) and take a gander at all the news that’s fit to laugh at on Blabbermouth and give y’all a look at this week’s most awesome headlines.

DAVE MUSTAINE SAYS U.S. GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO GET RID OF THE MIDDLE CLASS
I will forever be at a crossroads when people who haven’t been part of the middle class for decades show their concern for the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer and those a little bit less than poor not being able to spend their money on Th1rt3en.

FORMER EUROPE GUITARIST TO STAGE FIRST EVER “KEEFEST”
This rules! Former Europe guitarist Kee Marcello is lining his ass up for the final countdown by staging a fest at a big-ass race track/complex outside of Gothenburg in late June. He’s expecting people to saunter over from all corners of mainland Europe and Scandinavia despite not yet having booked anyone outside of his own ego to perform.

TRIVIUM Vs. IN FLAMES: “FOOD WARS” CLIP POSTED ONLINE
According to this compelling bit, the members of In Flames hooked up with Trivium’s Matt Heafy in a battle of food connoisseur-ism, NOT to see who’s written the more reprehensible metal in recent memory. The meeting took place at a Gothenburg restaurant owned by the members of In Flames and was taped for television posterity. Insert your own wise cracks here.

JANE’S ADDICTION SINGER OUTRAGES BRAZILIAN FANS
Outrage averted when the website hawking tickets for the Brazilian run of Lollapalooza crashes due to overwhelming demand. Either Brazilians, as a people, love being insulted or someone’s making a big deal out of innocuous comments from the mouth of Perry Farrell. You decide.

DUFF MCKAGAN SINGS MOTÖRHEAD’s PRAISES
In other news, every metal head ever sings Motorhead’s praises.

TIM ‘RIPPER’ OWENS PERFORMS ACOUSTICALLY AT HIS OWN RESTAURANT
That Keefest guy should take a lesson here: there’s no need to rope off an entire racing complex for an ego stroke. Just open your own “rockin’ sports eatery,” pack the house then lock the doors. Game, set and match.

FORMER THE RUNAWAYS BANDMATES LITA FORD AND JOAN JETT MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS
The follow-up story in which Lita gets pissed at Joan for calling her by her full name (Carmelita, by the way) while reminiscing over the 70s hair styling tricks they used to achieve those flowing locks and killer, center parts proves to be marginally more exciting.

GUNS N’ ROSES BASSISST: “FOR THE MOST PART, AXL TELLS US WHAT HE WANTS.”
The news here isn’t that former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson has been GN’R for 14 years (14 years?! Who knew?), it’s that after a decade-and-a-half he still hasn’t figured out what the hell is going on under his own nose, what the meandering Axl Rose is trying to do or where the band is going.

GUNS N’ ROSES BASSIST ON AXL’s CONCERT TARDINESS” “HE DOES HIS BEST TO GET OUT THERE ON TIME”
See what we mean? Also, when asked if the band is in writing mode three years after Chinese Democracy, Stinson replies he’s not sure. Geez, wouldn’t it be obvious if the band you’re in was in the process of writing an album? There have been many calls for the GN’R moniker to rest in peace. “Axl and the Enablers” seems as good a name as any.

AC/DC FANS UPSET SIGNATURE SONG USED IN WALMART COMMERCIALS
…but remain surprisingly non-plussed about none-too-subtle placement in Maximum Overdrive, Jerry Maguire, Little Nicky, School of Rock and Iron Man…

FORMER BLACK SABBATH SINGER TONY MARTIN CONTEMPLATING RE-RELEASING DEBUT SOLO ALBUM
Funny, those slogging it out in the trenches of the music industry go on and on about no one buying records anymore, yet will still contemplate making available an album no one wanted in the first place.

KISS SHRINE INTERFERES WITH TELECOMMUNICATIONS COMPANY’S SERVICE
America’s fastest, most reliable network thwarted by Peter Criss action figures and a replica pair of Gene Simmons’ platform boots.