Almost every band has that album: you know, the critically and/or commercially reviled dud in an otherwise passable-to-radical back catalog. Well, every Wednesday morning, a Decibel staffer or special guest will take to the Deciblog to bitch and moan at length as to why everybody’s full of shit and said dud is, in fact, The Shit. Today, J. Bennett goes between the white lines to give Cold Lake a posthumous glamour shot.

Don’t act so surprised, Grasshopper. You knew this was coming eventually. Once Panko hauled out what we can only imagine to be his enormous ballbag in defense of St. Anger, you knew shit was gonna get ridiculous up in this piece. And nothing says ridiculous quite like Tom Warrior with blown-out hair, fingerless white gloves and frosted pink lip gloss, croaking about “the mirage of love” on a song—a Celtic Frost song—called “Dance Sleazy.” Did we mention the acid-wash Canadian tuxedo he’s rocking on the back cover? There’s a word for it, and that word is resplendent.

The year was 1988 and Warrior’s partner in po-faced Puritanism, Martin Ain, was nowhere to be found. Drummer Reed St. Mark had split as well, ostensibly to join former Nirvana and Soundgarden sideman Jason Everman in Mindfunk. What Celtic Frost fans got on Cold Lake was an entirely different lineup than the one that had made the colossally bad decision to cover Wall of Voodoo’s “Mexican Radio” on 1987’s Into the Pandemonium. Incredibly, Warrior’s Cold Lake cock-rock posse consisted of former Coroner guitarist Oliver Amberg, original Frost drummer Stephen Priestly, and a bassist named Curt Victor Bryant, whose most notable contribution to Cold Lake was the hellish tangle of unsightly man-bush protruding from his unzipped jeans (also acid wash) on the back cover. To make matters somehow even worse, Warrior dropped his nom de guerre on this release and used his porn name, “Thomas Gabriel.” All of this may or may not have been the handiwork of his then-girlfriend, Michelle Villanueva, who is credited as “wardrobe and styling artist” on Cold Lake, contributed “backing vocals” on several tracks and even has a co-writing credit on the song “Blood on Kisses.” Which is one of three songs on this record (see also: “Juices Like Wine” and “Little Velvet”) I will not even attempt to defend. Because they suck.

To say that Cold Lake was—and is—critically reviled is a whopping understatement on par with “Houston, we have a problem.” Don’t quote us on this, but it’s possible that Metal Forces—who famously gave Into the Pandemonium a fucking zero—even called Celtic Frost “a bunch of no-talent homos” when this baby came out looking all purple, stillborn and faggy. For criticism more grounded in something I didn’t just make up, cruise over to metal-archives.com and check that 4% rating. That’s the average of four absolutely scintillating reviews. Point is, Frost diehards were/are bummed because it seemed like the band responsible for the unbridled proto-black metal awesomeness of Morbid Tales, Emperor’s Return and To Mega Therion had morphed into a pack of preening coke-metal pussies. Moreover, it seemed like a meticulously calculated move. It’s not like Warrior woke up one morning with jizz in his hair and a Trixter album under his arm. Trixter’s debut didn’t come out for another two years.

It’s telling that Cold Lake is the only one of the original five Celtic Frost albums to not be re-released in 1999: Warrior bemoans its existence to this day. But here’s my theory: Change the lyrics and the band photo, and Cold Lake wouldn’t have got shit on nearly as hard as it did (and does). Admittedly, the album goes down a lot smoother if you happen to like cock rock—not Firehouse- or Warrant-style (incidentally, Cold Lake preceded the debuts of both bands), but of the completely righteous speed ‘n’ spikes variety found on the first two Mötley Crüe albums. Let’s face it: Despite any perceived attempts to the contrary, it’s not like Cold Lake contained anything even remotely as bubblegum as Poison’s Open Up and Say… Ahh!, which was the top-selling cock-rock album released that year.

Still, it’s unfortunate that Cold Lake opens with an intro called “Human,” just like the re-mastered version of Morbid Tales eventually would. It’s also a drag that this “Human” sounds like Anthrax rehearsing “I’m the Man” over a badly played version of the Seinfeld theme. But again, at least Cold Lake sucked first, beating Seinfeld to your face by like a year and a half.

Luckily, it’s all (mostly) uphill from there. Over the vaguely Led-Zeppelin-esque riffage of proper opener “Seduce Me Tonight,” Warrior/Gabriel implores that special lady—or any lady, really—to “dance on his wounded chest.” Sounds decidedly un-Frost-like, perhaps, but is it really all that different from the lyrics he’s writing in Triptykon these days? Let’s examine a passage from the title track of last year’s Shatter EP:

I don’t wish to drown in the beauty of your eyes
I don’t wish to remember the warmth of your embrace
I don’t wish to bleed on your altar of demise
I don’t wish to wither among the petals of disgrace

Case closed on that one.

Meanwhile, “Petty Obsession” is full of the type of killer, vaguely proggy metal riffs that Dave Mustaine used to write while shooting speedballs between his toes. In fact, I guarantee you that if this exact song had appeared on Megadeth’s So Far, So Good… So What!—also released in ’88—nobody would have batted a fucking eyelash. Come to think of it, parts of this jam also sound kinda like Voivod. Either way, the song features the least-cringe-worthy lyrics on the entire album. “If this is heaven,” Warrior/Gabriel asks us, “How bad is hell?” The answer is obvious: Not nearly as bad as your cover of “Mexican Radio.”

Go ahead and deny that opening riff on “Cherry Orchards,” while you’re at it. Oh, wait—you can’t. Mostly because it’s a Diamond Head riff. Similarly, if “Roses Without Thorns” had appeared on any of the first three Frost albums with almost any other set of lyrics attached, you would be talking about it right now like it just gave you a reach-around in the men’s room. Which it probably would, if you asked nicely. And shared some of that coke you’re pretending not to have.

We would be remiss if we didn’t give at least a cursory nod to the premium glam-thrash riffery of “Downtown Hanoi.” If you like early Mötley Crüe, how exactly does this song suck? I know what you’re going to say: Celtic Frost fans circa 1988 hated the Crüe. Which is probably true. But this review isn’t about defending their shitty taste, is it?

Which brings us back to “Dance Sleazy.” Would you hate it as much if Warrior/Gabriel wasn’t begging you or some other insecure Thai lady-boy to really go to town on that stripper pole? The answer is clearly no, you would not.

Of course, a quick glance at the Cold Lake writing credits reveals that Amberg, a.k.a. That Dude Who Used to Be in Coroner, wrote the majority of the music, so the argument could just as easily be made that Cold Lake was never a true Celtic Frost album to begin with. Which is just one of the many reasons (see above gibberish) you should re-evaluate your position on this vastly underrated semi-gem, assuming you even have one to begin with. If you haven’t heard it yet, I’ll sell you my copy.

Tracklist:
1. “Human II” (Intro)
2. “Seduce Me Tonight”
3. “Petty Obsession”
4. “(Once) They Were Eagles”
5. “Cherry Orchards”
6. “Juices Like Wine”
7. “Little Velvet”
8. “Blood on Kisses”
9. “Downtown Hanoi”
10. “Dance Sleazy”
11. “Roses Without Thorns”

By Charles Elliott (Abysmal Dawn)

Decibel asked me to create a list of top 5 (insert inane subject here) things for their blog so this is what I came up with. I wasn’t big on working out really until maybe a year and half ago when I started going through a real rough patch in my life. Sometimes just metal isn’t enough to keep you from either going on a homicidal killing spree or drinking yourself into a coma. That’s how I learned to combine the two, just as many a wise metalhead have done before me.

Working out and listening to metal can be the best and cheapest therapy your broke ass can buy. In turn, keeping your criminal record clean (i.e., no homicides or DUI’s), which is a big plus when you’re a touring musician trying to get into other countries.

So these are some records I like to work out to (aside from our super-pissed new album Leveling the Plane of Existence) and I hope you’ll enjoy them.

5. Suffocation – Despise the Sun
I put this thing on and I feel like sprinting a mile. This record is just so intense the whole time and really short, so it’s great for a quick cardio work out. I feel like I could lift a house practically when the first breakdown in “Funeral Inception” comes on. Amazing.

4. Strapping Young Lad – City/Alien (tie)
I can’t really decide on which record is better. City is a classic of course but Alien to me feels more spastic and intense. Devin Townsend is completely off his meds/rocker on these ones and his insanity inspires me to push myself that much harder. As a side note, listening to Devin Townsend Band for your cool down period is also recommended.

3. Pantera – Far Beyond Driven
You can’t be a gym rat and not have this fucking record in your iPod. This band and album are the epitome of fuck you metal, and the inspiration for your high school football team to pick on your pansy ass. Hands down every riff and lyric on this album opens up the testosterone floodgates. If people don’t listen to Pantera at your gym you probably live in an alternative life style part of town.

2. Nile – Annihilation of the Wicked
Put this record on when jogging and trying to match the pace of George Kollias the whole time. If you get through the long ass guitar solo in “Cast Down the Heretic” you have fought though the initial pain, and are on your way to experiencing what they call the runners high.

1. Behemoth – Evangelion
My favorite record of theirs for sure. They’re one of those bands that writes songs that demand to be played live. The energy of this album just gets my blood flowing every time. This record kills girlie men, Christians and cancer. They’re unfuckinstopable!

Honorable mentions:
Fear Factory – Mechanize / Demanufacture
Aborted – Goremageddon
At The Gates – Slaughter of the Soul
Sepultura – Beneath the Remains
Slayer – Reign in Blood
Vital Remains – Dechristianize
Keep of Kalessin – Reptilian
Machine Head – Burn My Eyes
Lamb of God – Wrath
** Abysmal Dawn’s Leveling the Plane of Existence is out now on Relapse Records. Order it here.

Ever wonder what Vinnie Stigma would do if he encountered a litter bug while playing chess in a little piazza? The new video for the Madball track “All or Nothing” off Empire has the answer: He’d tell the punk to keep Brooklyn beaut-ee-ful, or else. Actually, prowling around the city looking for at-risk youth is apparently what the much-feared DMS clique is up to these days. Once they’ve netted themselves a premie badass, Freddy Madball n’ crew shows the kiddies the error of their reprobate ways and nudges them into some more posi pursuit. Like stage diving at a hardcore show, for example. See for yourself:

Inspiring, right? Is New York City Hardcore the only thing standing between us and dystopian nightmare David Lynch once gave us a breakdown-short glimpse of?

Could be! If Madball’s civic improvement project is a success perhaps the band will re-record “Pride (Times Are Changing)” with a new refrain–”Times are changing–for the better!”–and a video set not at some post-industrial hideout but, say, a recycling facility or the rec room of the old age home. (Hoya plays Parcheesi with residents to demonstrate proper respects is a direction I would love to see in a script for a music video…)

Speaking of hero complexes, The Damned Things take the tongue-in-cheek superhero route with the video for “We’ve Got A Situation Here,” a song with a not-quite-there circa 2005 Every Time I Die demo and a Jersey Shore-tainted title, but any video where Scott Ian accidentally disintegrates an old lady is probably worth a click. Fair warning, though, you ironic irony peddlers — uh, sorry, ironiclasts — Madball ever catches you doing that sort of thing for real, they’ll set it off. And by “it” I of course mean a real conversation about the emotional turmoil causing you to act out. [Damned Things video after the jump...]

The Grammys caused a commotion last night with two major shockers—Justin Bieber was denied and then Arcade Fire got top honors with Album of the Year. Right, we know, you don’t give a shit about either, whatever, but the craziness was too much for CBS reporter Serene Branson. After the jump, watch a video of her talking mad gibberish and slurring her words. Was it a stroke? Reports are unclear…

For the few of you who aren’t resorting to celebrating this Valentine’s Day with, you know, whatever happens to pop up online, the big, annoying day’s right around the corner (Monday), and you probably haven’t gotten your significant other a damn thing yet. While nothing says love like inundating your cherished one with 12 months of blood-drenched, axe-wielding psychotics adorning bound printed matter, we thought we’d go the extra mile and sweeten this holiday Deci-deal for you.

Head here to grab a Decibel subscription by 5PM EST TODAY, and we’ll hook you up with an exclusive downloadable, printable Valentine’s Day card designed by extreme metal cover artist extraordinaire Paul Romano (Mastodon, Hate Eternal, Withered). No fair spilling the beans as to what it looks like — we can only assure you it’s gross, but not gross in a Spencer’s Gifts beefcake-in-a-fireman’s-helmet way. Ladies, it’s the perfect gift for the man who’s lucky to have you if he’s listening to this music with any regularity. Guys, it’s the perfect gift for, um, uh… the super-sexy Paul Romano completist/fetishist in your life? Get some in more ways than one, stat.

Awaken from your slumber you filthy Vikings! It’s time for battle! Make damned sure your Stiklestad swords are sharp, your shields mended, every link in your chainmail strong, and your helms strapped. And don’t forget those vambraces, my blood-thirsty mates! Last time Alvar forgot his and he got a nasty flesh-wound on his left forearm. There’s a reason he’s now known as Alvar the Right! But one more thing. We need song! Song that ignites us! Song that makes us feel as if no opponent is too great! Song that will ensure our victory! That song is…

‘Slaves of Fear’

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Non-fantasy digression: OK, maybe we’ve been trying to finish the late Robert Jordan’s Towers of Midnight novel. The thing’s a monster! But damned if it doesn’t make us feel like listening to Amon Amarth’s ‘Slaves of Fear’ at obscene volumes. But we always wonder: what’s the song about? An uprising of well-trained Viking slaves? Fearful residents of Lindisfarne? Better let Drummer Fredrik Andersson explain:

“‘Slaves Of Fear’ is not the all-typical Amon Amarth song. It was one of the last songs we finished for the album and what makes this song a little bit different is the collaboration between me and [guitarist] Olavi [Mikkonen] as songwriters. Usually, most songs are written by Olavi and [guitarist] Johan [Söderberg]. It’s definitely one of the darkest songs we’ve ever written and the main/intro riff is my personal tribute to the passing of Ronnie James Dio as the riff came to me after listening to Holy Diver. Lyrically, it’s about how religions keep people under its control and  from thinking for themselves. It includes some of the most angry lyrics [vocalist] Johan [Hegg] has written and they kind of remind me of ‘The Sound Of Eight Hooves’ [off 2001's The Crusher full-length] in a way. It works exceptionally well with the melancholic feel of the riffs.”

** Amon Amarth’s new album, Surtur Rising, is out Mar. 29, 2011 on Metal Blade Records. Pre-order it here.

By Oscar Dronjak (HammerFall),

A look at UFC 126

The UFC usually stacks their Super Bowl weekend card to the max, and this year was no exception. On paper, UFC 126 was an unbelievable card that had almost otherworldly expectations. And for once, there was no question it absolutely lived up to the hype!

Miguel Torres vs. Antonio Banuelos (Bantamweight)
The reach advantage for Torres was a staggering 13″. That has to be some kind of record! Torres utilized it well, constantly tagging Banuelos while making sure nothing dangerous serious came within a feet of his face. Unanimous decision for Torres, a no-brainer. His game-plan, expertly devised by his corner consisting of Greg Jackson et al., was to stick and move, and coast to victory without taking any chances. He executed it to perfection.

Sidebar: The better-safe-than-sorry attitude often displayed by fighters from Jackson’s camp is not always thrilling to watch. I see the necessity to sometimes play it safe in sports, especially one like this where one small mistake could lead to defeat in a heartbeat. It’s hard to argue against success, and Jackson’s fighters are much more often than not winners. It just rubs wrong against the nature of fighting, which is to have a clear-cut winner through some means of submission (not being conscious being one form of it).

Jake Ellenberger vs. Carlos Eduardo Rocha (Welterweight)
A lot of wrestlers use his opponents kicks to get the takedowns, but Rocha didn’t really have to worry about that since he was so dominant on the ground. That’s why Rocha kept throwing those wild kicks, since he was comfortable either standing or on the ground. I loved his kicks, especially that jumping head kick that connected towards the end of the fight! Split decision win for Ellenberger, which I guess was OK under the circumstances. Great showing by Rocha, though. I can’t wait to see more of this guy’s ground game. It was super-exciting to constantly watch him go for submissions, transitions and reversals during the first round!

Ryan Bader vs. Jon Jones (Light heavyweight)
Jones is another of Greg Jackson’s fighters, and the game plan immediately seemed to be “take him down and submit him” when Jones almost succeeded in doing just that in the first minute of the fight. This was never really a competitive fight, as Jones pretty much controlled his opponent all the time. Bader got a few shots in, but nothing that seemed to do any damage. Jon Jones has been touted as the future of this sport, and he definitely proved that sentiment with force today. In the post-fight interview, Joe Rogan revealed that the number one contender to the light heavyweight title Rashad Evans had blown out his knee recently, and that the UFC wanted Jon Jones to step in as his replacement in the title fight against champion Mauricio “Shogun” Rua. You had to love the expression on Jones’ face when Joe told him, he had just come off another dominating performance against the strongest competition he had faced so far, and was – surprisingly to everyone, including himself – rewarded with a title fight as early as March. Not that he isn’t worthy, it just came a lot earlier than anyone thought it would. Great stuff!

Rich Franklin vs. Forrest Griffin (Light heavyweight)
Two former champions and seemingly very nice guys facing off in a fight that will move the winner a lot closer to the title picture. The talk before was about how similar their fighting styles were, and that the only thing separating them was the weight – Griffin typically cuts down from 220-225, whereas Franklin apparently is closer to the 200lbs mark. This proved to be accurate, as Forrest used his weight to hold Rich down for most of the first round. His takedowns really were the difference in the fight, and ended up getting the decision much to the surprise of Rich Franklin, who apparently believed himself the victor.

Anderson Silva vs. Vitor Belfort (Middleweight championship)
Unbelievable! Anderson Silva knocked out Vitor Belfort with a front kick. I am at a loss for words. Silva has taken a lot of criticism over the past couple of fights, but I never really joined in that chorus. His toying with Demian Maia at UFC 112 last year upset UFC president Dana White and most of the MMA world immensely, but I enjoyed watching the fight despite (or maybe because of?) its weirdness.

Anderson is on another level than everyone else in this sport. It’s just that simple. Eight UFC title defenses in a row certainly makes that claim. But it’s not just records, it’s the way this Brazilian fights. Anderson Silva’s head and upper body movement is out of this world, his stand-up is extremely creative, fluid and effortless, ask Rich Franklin what getting caught in his Thai-clinch feels like, and we don’t have to go any further than Chael Sonnen or Travis Lutter to see his submissions are world class. But what impresses me the most is his ability to make it look so easy. He is smiling a lot before his fights, like this is another day at the most fun job in the world (which, I’m sure, to him it is). He is always super loose and relaxed in the Octagon, seemingly approaching each fight like it’s a sparring session with a training partner (which quickly becomes very, very clear that it’s not!). And it more often than not ends in spectacular fashion with him as the winner.

If Anderson’s native language would be English, he would be the most recognized fighter in America, bigger and more famous than both Chuck Liddell and any of the current boxers combined. Anderson Silva is that special, that dominating, that damned good, and I feel privileged to be watching him every time he fights.

Final verdict:
I enjoyed this event thoroughly, as it had a little bit of everything that makes MMA so great and such an entertaining sport. And for once, all my picks for the main card came through, which was a bonus. Too bad I didn’t have any real bets riding on this one. An early best PPV of-the-Year candidate, and it will take an positively stellar effort to top it. But I have no doubt they will.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 1 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 2 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 3 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 4 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 5 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 6 by clicking here.

** Oscar Dronjak’s (HammerFall) MMA Hammer of Justice, Part 7 by clicking here.

** HammerFall’s new album, Infected, is out June 7th, 2011 on Nuclear Blast Records.

Every other Friday, Waldo the African Grey Parrot, frontbird of thrash-grind immortals Hatebeak, will get you caught up on the week’s latest “extreme” releases.

Happy almost-V Day, you loveless fucks. First of all, I’m implementing a rating scale of 0-10 FUCKING pecks (you old school S.O.D. fans will know what’s up). Since it’s a day of love, it’s time to get your hate on. Remember the first time you ever heard about Juggalos? Remember your first visit to the doctor after that sticky fumbling in a ditch where you SWORE that was a woman? Well, this is worse. Victory Records continues to go downhill releasing Dr. Acula’s Slander. Although heavier and more cohesive than their previous releases, this is worthless. A cruel joke on what extreme metal should be. This guy does a keyboard flip, NO JOKE. This is horrible, utter garbage. Not even funny to send to your friends. If there is a hell, this will be the soundtrack playing there. 0 Pecks (doesn’t even deserve the word “Fucking”). This is shit.

Just to keep the vibe going, Metal Blade release Ukon Wacka by Korpiklaani. Pagan folk metal at its finest, if there is such a thing. Dudes dressed like Lord of the Rings and Braveheart rejects playing “metal” and dancing-around-campfires type of stuff. I’m sure somewhere there’s someone that appreciates the movie Willow , and would appreciate this music, but they should be axed. Violins and furs abound. This is their seventh (!!!) record. I DO like the record cover, though, and they have a bunch of songs about drinking, but this birdbrain is baffled how a Finnish folk metal band can comment on “tequila” (in the song “Tequila,” of course). Ukon Wacka, or just plain Ukon Wack? 1 Fucking Peck, or 7 Elves. You decide.

Rabbits? Never cared for the things myself, but Lower Forms, released on Relapse is pretty preening good. Full of low-end heavy, and I do mean heavy rock, with screamed/tortured vocals. With ex members of VSS, Angel Hair and Pleasure Forever, how could it be bad? While Lower Forms may not be a metal record, it pecking rocks, and that’s what matters. This band is definitely ahead of the warren in the AmRep/noise rock revival. 7 Fucking Pecks.

The bad boy of blasphemy is back. Deicide release To Hell With God on Century Media. While there is nothing that strays from form here, this is a solid release by these death metal stalwarts. Their third installment since the departure of the Hoffman Brothers, this by far is one of their better releases since the Scars of the Crucifix era. All in all, this release shows more maturity from the band and proves that old-school death metal is not dead or forgotten. Kudos to Asheim for the brutal drumming. 8 Fucking Pecks.

Listen, I can’t compete with a metal post about redheads from a nice guy who does cool shit like this. So time to come up with a generic headline and just link to ten random things, most you’ve probably already seen. Let’s, uh, do this:

1. Guy in corpsepaint somehow turns “The Alphabet Song” into a somewhat decent, two minute black metal song.

2. What bass strings look like when they’re plucked and you’re higher than shit.

3. Euro Beats + Power Metal = Magic Hammer (pictured).

4. Heavy Metal, the cartoon that was fucking perfect for an actual heavy metal soundtrack but instead had Grand Funk Railroad and fucking Sammy Hagar, is now coming to French TV, and will probably feature music by Grand Funk Railroad and Sammy Hagar.

5. How to headbang better, with science.

7. A well-done fan video for Killdozer’s truly fucking epic, “The Pig Was Cool.”

8. High on Fire not literally tearing apart the walls of Amoeba music.

9. Come to J. Randall’s Grindcore Karaoke and freely download the record Robocop II by the band Robocop. I loved writing that sentence.

10. And Devildriver on Scrubs with French subtitles, for some reason. The end.

For some men it’s unmistakable: the draw the to the color red.

Like a bull to the red cape of a matador, we men are transfixed, relentless in pursuit and the feeling is strong and pure.

I myself have been with a “natural” redhead for years and every day I see her, the same drop in blood pressure happens, the energy within me loses all control.

This is fact and has been scientifically proven that the color red enhances the viewers metabolism and  increases heart rate and respiration , something I know all too well.

Redheads are surrounded by myth and mystery; they have, throughout history, often been associated with fiery tempers, witchcraft, moral degeneration and beastly sexual desire.

A few quotes that I love and appreciate are as follows:

“Once in life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead. ” — Lucille Ball
“Out of the ash, I rise with my red hair and eat men like air.” — Sylvia Plath
“Gentlemen may prefer blondes but it takes a real man to handle a redhead.” — Unknown

Bible thumpers may be interested to know that Adam’s first wife Lilith was always depicted with red hair and refused to lie underneath Adam during intercourse stating, “Why should I lie beneath you when we are both equal created from the same dust?” I love this quote; it sums a redhead woman up most magnificently as they are strong in will and control their desire as to only let it be shown when SHE wishes to engage it.

The painting ‘Temptation’ in the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo depicts a brown haired Eve being handed a red apple by a red-haired, bare-breasted serpent woman. In the adjacent painting, Eve is thrown out of the garden with a shameful face and a twist of Red Hair upon her. Eve’s red hair is seen as the stain of sin like the original Scarlet Letter.  Later, her son, Cain, will bare red hair and fall from grace.

The Egyptians regarded the color red so unlucky they had a ceremony where they burned red-haired maidens to try and wipe out the tint entirely. Lest we forget about the thousands of redheads burnt at the stake as suspected witches between 1483 and 1784.

This next one I love: Aristotle was known to believe that redheads were emotionally unhousebroken! Because of how history has painted such a magnificent creature as the Scarlet red-haired woman, most redheads have a terrible time growing up. Seriously. Name calling surrounds every story I hear of my wife’s youth. Sayings like “carrot top ” or “I’ll beat you like a redheaded step child” have permeated our American culture  and what a shame for these people cloaked in red hair are often more gifted than others in many different fields: the sciences, math and the arts.

There’s the long and the short of it about redheads: misunderstood, loved, feared, take ‘em or leave ‘em. I will take ‘em.

Speaking to all the males reading this: The next time you’re out and spot a beautiful redheaded woman in the crowd, take notice. Your hands will sweat and your heart rate will jump. That is to say if you’ve been bitten by the bug like I have. Ruadh gu brath is Gaelic for “RED HEADS FOREVER!”

** View Dez’s Hail to the Tour Bus Driver blog here.

** Vew Dez’s Redheads Rule All blog here.

** View Dez’s Hate Humans, Love Dogs blog here.

** DevilDriver’s new album, Beast, is out now on Roadrunner Records. Click here to order.